Jeremy and the Turtle

Jeremy sat on an old wooden crate, upturned, creaking with the weight of leadership. He gazed over his desolate allotment, waiting for the kettle to boil for his morning tea. Mulling over the week’s events he began to lay out two slices of bread, a few leaves of lettuce, a tomato and some left over corned beef.

On hearing a munching noise, Jeremy looked down and arched his eyebrow high into his forehead.

Are you eating my lettuce? Jeremy asked.

Yes, said the turtle.

Well stop it, said Jeremy.

I’m sorry, you seem annoyed, said the turtle.

I don’t do annoyed, said Jeremy, visibly annoyed.

Apparently you also don’t do surprised to be spoken to by a turtle, said the turtle.

A little bird told me you might come by, said Jeremy.

Damn that robin, the turtle sighed, always stealing my thunder just because he can fly. Could you lift me off the grass? There’s dew everywhere.

Jews? Where? Have they followed me? panicked Jeremy.

No no no, not Jews, dew, snapped the turtle, it’s wet. Can you put me on something dry please?

Oh, said Jeremy, it’s just not been a very good week regarding Jews.

So I hear, said the turtle, perhaps you should actually just apologise properly and then do something about it all.

I’ve been apologising all week, said Jeremy, checking the gas was still on under his kettle.

I haven’t heard anything that sounds like an apology, said the turtle, just excuses and claims there’s no problem.

I’ve said I’ve apologised and I’ve been very clear on that, said Jeremy.

So clear no one seems to have heard it, muttered the turtle.

What? asked Jeremy, anyway we’re going to hold a review of the situation.

Oh. A review, sneered the turtle, haven’t had any of those for a while. We can always use more time wasting instead of acting to resolve the problem.

Look, we’ve been absolutely clear that we want to solve the problem and the review will confirm if there’s a problem that we want to solve, said Jeremy.

You’re going to hold a review for a problem you know exists in order to find out if the problem exists? blinked the turtle.

Yes, said Jeremy.

I seem to have gone rather light headed, said the turtle. Perhaps I’m just hungry. You wouldn’t happen to have any Jerusalem artichoke to hand?

Are you taking the piss? Jeremy squinted down at the turtle.

Yes, said the turtle.

Well I don’t appreciate it, said Jeremy, tapping the kettle.

The turtle edged slowly away from Jeremy. It’s not all jam and Jerusalem you know. Though maybe you’d be more popular in Middle Earth if it was.

Middle Earth? Jeremy quizzed.

I’ve read Tolkien, said the turtle, he wasn’t exactly subtle about his ethnic stereotypes you know.

Was Tolkien a Jew? asked Jeremy, perplexed.

You’ve got a problem, said the turtle.